Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
where are you?
Hypothermia
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
