my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Randomize
