i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
