My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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