gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
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so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
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Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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