i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
