some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
