she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Someone shit on the floor
I don't think brook has ever known best
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
