wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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