There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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