I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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