So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
