why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
