I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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