my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
