Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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