Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
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