I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
