Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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