i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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