...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
