I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
