Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
