nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
