put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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