My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
