you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
