Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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