I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
