How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
