I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
