Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
