Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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