Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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