it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He passed out mid-signature
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
