dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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