I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
