Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
