I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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