Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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