Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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