I cannot find my penis.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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