A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
