The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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