I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
