I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
