Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i drank out of a bidet.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
