I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
