I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
