My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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