i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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