so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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