The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
