I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My underwear smells like fireworks.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
