Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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